Yet Again, An Apology
No, this isn’t a shout out to the song Oops!…I Did It Again by Britney Spears, or the Alternative version by Children of Bodom but to all attendees, speakers, volunteers, sponsors & organisers that were looking forward to seeing the session, meeting up & having a natter in the hallway chat, as well as some of the other people that I wanted to try catch up with in Aberdeen, I can only apologise, Yet Again 😔, for missing what seemed from the outside to be yet another amazing event.
So what happened, this time?
This year seemingly has done it’s best to just up and disappear so quickly that it’s taken me by surprise, multiple times this year, & whilst this year hasn’t gone to plan, neither did last year.
Whilst my planning for this event, yet again wasn’t to a level where I expect to usually be at, I know that I am hard on myself around these things, but I have to be hard on myself, because if I am not then I never can understand where I need to spend time in focusing on future improvements.
That said, I really was nearly there this time. Unfortunately just the one missed connection on a single missed advance ticket train, on the Thursday morning from Derby to Leeds, where another speaker was travelling from and who’d been kind enough to reach out, only a few hours earlier and offer me a lift as long as I could get to Leeds.
Unfortunately, this was a train I couldn’t afford financially to try and replace, that and mentally, having missed it, I ended up drained & "down in the dumps".
Additional background
Aberdeen, where Scottish Summit was to be this year would have brought me close enough for me to see some of my family, which added to the frustration in not making it.
I’ve been suffering and struggling with a number of things, particularly in the last few years, though on and off for much longer, which also had not helped either.
I hope the following sections, may help you understand just how much had been flying around in my head this time around.
I hope to be able to see family as well my actual and tech family’s at events in 2025.
Preparedness & it’s impact on Anxiety
Prior to Ignite 2019, I spent more time building and tweaking the v1 Mental Health session, than all sessions I delivered in 2019 put together.
So I was prepared for that session, even if I did finish the slides that morning in the speakers room, sat by and chatting to Jeffery Snover whilst at it.
This time around, I lost lots of time this year, mostly due to illnesses and my body just saying no. I would highly recommend that you read or at least read up about When The Body Says No : The Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Mate. I’ve got this in my book collection (a page on what I have in this collection is coming in the future) and I’ve watched so much of the content that is about from him and so many others like him.
However, I have had a minor re-emergence of Social Anxiety that I had back around about 2013-2015, likely for similar but different reasons to this recent occurrence.
I also much prefer quiet time travel, like overnight travel. My preference since getting my Driving License has always been to drive and drive in the quieter times of the day, because to be blunt, I really like my Music Loud, with my Beats Fast, and Bass Down Low, otherwise my inner Fred Durst comes out and I really wanna scream this version of Break Stuff and that’s best done in a car, either on my own or with friends, rather than trying to keep it in whilst on public transport.
Hopefully between now and my birthday in April 2025 which is a tall order, I can find a way to not only get back on my feet but also get back behind the wheel and once again be in one of my happiest of places, with the tunes blaring driving across the country visiting friends, family and reaping all the joy & dopamine that I know will bring me, plus the removal of a large part of the Social Anxiety that I’ve been plagued with.
Getting settled post homelessness
Going back to October 31st 2023, when I was evicted, which I’ve blogged about, and the end of January when I finally was rehoused and no longer homeless I still have not yet really settled in this hoouse (as the Scotsman in me would say) & it was only recently, I did, IIRC, the 5th re-organisation of where things are in my downstairs and build this make shift standing desk.
As you can see here, I am making do with some boxes that are filled with my stuff, including all my books (which I’ll add a section around in the future) and my Dad’s CD & DVD Collection, as well as some of the clothes and items from my time as a 7 Time Microsoft MVP Awardee.
This as you can see is not exactly a solid desk, it at least allows me the chance to try and do all the things that I need to be able to do in a way that is as healthy as I can make it, with the space available to me in this house.
Plus after years of sitting on my butt, I really enjoy standing over sitting, though can also happily sit if needs be and do a minor reshuffle, which helps keep me a bit active. But I tend to kneel if I am not standing rather than sitting.
I could go and get a proper desk, like one from say Ikea, or any of the one’s that are going on places like Gumtree, Facebook Market Place, etc, but during 2025 I really would like to spend time on the designing and building of the already in my mind, partially designed, modular desk of my own! The fun will be in actually building it, if I can get the chance to, which if I can I will post more on that next year!
The “fun” of the Job Search
I’ve been researching the Job Market for what is now almost 20 years, in one way or another, and early on in this more recent edition of my searching, I have found so many areas that we could improve on. Some of the areas I have identified are REALLY hard things to change, BUT ONLY because we have so much in lines of not just technical debt but process debt across the whole End to End process that the act of recruiting is only a small part of.
Maybe one day I’ll put more around this in another future post and/or presentation.
But yeah, I’ve been out of paid work for so long now that I regularly have cycles where I spend time looking, followed by wanting to give up & yell.
I could rant for days about Universal Credit, more than I have in Universal Basic Income - the way to a healthier nation! pt1 on mhasl.me - Mental Health Affects Someone Like Me.
I, this year like last year, asked Universal Credit if I could get help in funding to go towards funding my travel to events like Scottish Summit.
Apparently though, getting help to attend a conference, where just 1 conversation with the right attendee, can lead to either short term or long term work, much like attending a jobs fair can, would have required a pre-arranged interview for a job, even if that goes nowhere.
So for 2025 at least within the UK, I/others in my position could potentially ask for help in this way.
Oh and the “joys” of the job search whilst being out of work and on benefits is far from fun, let alone financially suitable to do anything bar literally surviving as best as you can.
Sum up
I am however looking ahead to what I could do in 2025 to get past what has been less than fund
It really didn’t help I’ve had a good month or more of downtime this year alone.
Funds, health, and motivation on top of other things were a part of missing it this year.
Will I present in future?
Of course as this is one of the things that I really enjoy doing and let’s say that I plan for 2025 to be my year for many presentations, videos and other pieces of content going forward.
Sorry for the delay
I started writing this on Wednesday October 30th with edits on Thursday, October 31st 2024, Friday November 1st 2024, Friday December 6th 2014 and before a final push today on Sunday December 8th 2024.
Part of the reason for the delay in finishing this off has been due to
- Everything mentioned above
- The need to plan and then move the hosting of this blog.
- My devices need a refresh.
- Lost time because the laptop you see in these photos, which is now 5 years old, needs replacing due to it not only starting to regularly become unresponsive and black screen or randomly shutdown, but it is no longer a portable device & the parts I would need to repair it are no longer available.
- My phone also needs replacing.
- Periods of On/Off Internet Access
- Ill health
- Lack of motivation
Bye bye - for now
If you recognise this, then well done, you have at least watched or read Bleach & know of Gin Ichimaru, the character in this scene behind me, and is from S02:E02|E22 - The Man who Hates Shinigami. Bleach has been around for a long time now, and has some new episodes each week on Disney+ atm, with all of the back catalogue of episodes available to stream.
Anyway, just as Nu:Tone feat (feat. Lalin St. Juste) says in One Day at a Time, The world is changing, And I’m just taking, It one day at a time.
Catch you all soon, but bye bye for now!
